Funny story! A potential client asked me if we could restore a log home in one day. Inside my head, I laughed at the audacity of this question. I briefly tried to imagine what that would look like and how many employees it would take. It seems an impossible feet. I have never heard of it done or attempted. Can you imagine it? I did as you will read below.
To the Critics! Read or Scroll On!
Of course, this person needs more awareness of what it takes to restore a log home from start to finish. That’s beside the point. Yes, I quickly humbled my amusement and exceedingly arrogant pride in my log-home knowledge as it occurred to me I wouldn’t know those things without my occupational choice. I then proceeded to assist her by explaining the process to her, which can be found on our service page. Satisfied?
One Quick Word of Advice to WOULD-BE or COULD-BE Log HOMEOWNERS!
How would that look? Is it possible to restore a log home in a day?” I wondered 🤔
Later in the day, it got me thinking… Could a log home restoration company provide services to restore a log cabin in a day? As a writer, it’s not difficult to imagine. In my “ignorance” and “hypothesis,” I devised a comical rough draft strategic plan for a full-log home restoration in a day. It is an incredible plan, likely to only be funny to other log home restoration professionals. I hope you enjoy reading it and it makes you smile.
The Day and Life of a LOG MASTER: From the beginning.
In a perfect world for service briefing and assignments, every employee arrives at the office or a hotel conference room by 7 a.m. No one is ever late or ever asks questions to delay our departure. I don’t know how we got so lucky. By 7:30 a.m., we will be heading towards the service address with our two buses loaded with workers and our fleet of four semi-trailers loaded with all the necessary items:
- tools,
- ladders,
- scaffolding,
- harnesses and safety gear for 20,
- 20 compressors & media blasters,
- equipment,
- lifts,
- logs,
- stain,
- and recycled glass medium.
8 a.m. Arrive at log home. Unload Log Masters!
From the two buses spews twenty log masters with tape and plastic in hand, shouting, “CHARGE!” attack the cabin, furiously tapping plastic on all the windows and fixtures in under 30 minutes. It seemed like a frenzy of Brawnie-looking Spidermen crawling all over the place. I was amazed—the smell of 3M tape and plastic wafts in the air. I can’t describe the scene as anything less than genius at work.
8:30 a.m. Million-dollar Prize!
With their skill and care, the 20 log masters, still chipper and enthusiastic, take things down with the gentleness of ballerinas. They never break anything or lose a gutter screw in under 30 minutes. With their energy excelling with each task, the log house is ready for them to blast!
The Trick to Motivating Log Home Contractors
I asked the supervisor how he motivated them on hourly wages. You won’t believe it. One of them told me the log home workers foolishly believed a million-dollar prize awaited them if they could knock it out in under 30 minutes. The supervisor whispered, “It works every time, and they never complain when I never pay up. They seem to have forgotten the reason for their hard work. Were they born yesterday? They must have spent their childhood climbing trees, playing games, and not reading.
9 a.m. Media Blaster Log Masters are Smoking!
Then swoops in media blasters attacking every 20-foot section simultaneously. The evidence of our arrival comes from the billowing smoke of twenty compressors running full blast and the serene scene of twenty media blasters tossing wood fragments on everyone swept away by the wind when God blows.
Is the Cost of All this Labor and Equipment Expensive?
Yes, labor is expensive, but we save on hotel and general per diem costs since they are home by 5:30 p.m. It’s a one day restoration. Who cares about the rental price of all that equipment? Our clients want it to be done in a day. Is it going to be expensive? What do you think? Of course not. Rental places give us free rentals everywhere we go, especially when we take all they have in stock. To be honest, they thank us. Their day is done when we pull out.
So Much Noise and Vibration is Surprisingly Pleasant
The noise around this place is no worse than ten jackhammers outside your home. New Yorkers will tell you they never even notice it. Babies love it. Puts them right out. With all that simultaneous blasting pounding the log walls at once, the house crystal begins to sing a delightful symphony, and Dad’s toothbrush shakes right into the toilet bowl. He needed a new one anyhow.
The Sacrifice for Speedy Service
Unfortunately, this is a sacrifice you’ll need to make to stay on schedule. To ensure the best results for a typical 2500 square foot home, it is imperative that media blasting is completed by 11:45 a.m. before the lunch break from 12 p.m. to 1 p.m. Rest assured that this will guarantee optimal outcomes. These are the pros, people. They wear air-conditioned helmets like luxury baseball players. Thankfully, the log home did not need chemical stripping services. That could cause an hour of overtime and extra blower expenses. Off to lunch, they go!
12 p.m. Time to Watch the Fairy and Ninja Show
This is when our experts, yet not overly paid team of 10 to 20 ex-Amazon box wrappers turned Log Master tape and plastic fairies, dash in like light to remove all the duct tape and plastic protection for the media blast services. With Antman’s size, speed, and power, they graciously ask for less. Miniature saints!
Money Saver and a Free Show
Clients love to save money on time and labor costs. While removing the six mil plastic, the fairies re-applied the painter’s plastic for the staining phase. It’s a site to see if you can see them. Like a teenager being asked to do the dishes, they magically disappear. They are a blessing. Transparent and small, they don’t interfere with the team of 10-20 men who remove and replace rotted logs.
Log Masters “Amish” “Ninjas” Log Rot Repair Team
You’ll never see rugged and chiseled until you meet the Log Master Amish Ninjas Log Rot Repair Team or Log M.A.N.L.R.R.T. or Log M.A.N. for short. They are self-sufficient ninjas who sustain themselves on grass-fed, non-GMO cows and greasy bacon and egg breakfasts. Their physical fitness is impeccable, and they never call in sick, need instruction, or complain. Plus, they are really cheap because they don’t depend on money.
Rough and Tough Gets It Done Today!
Sometimes, they work without shoes. I even saw one use his rough, bare hands to claw out the log rot and his big toe toenail to clean up the edges. They grind and sand with their rough heels. With a swipe of their palm, the log ends are smooth. These specialized workers also possess unique abilities to avoid interfering with the caulking and chinking professionals. You must see it to believe it.
Who are these masked Ninjas?
And when I say ninjas, I’m not joking. They move like ninjas on Redbull. Of course, they are quiet. They are ninjas or silent acrobats who wear ninja and Amish attire when working. What if they are the same Log Master ballerina, brawny Spidermen in work disguise like Clark Kent? That can’t be. They were at lunch. Like any of that matters
Don’t Mess with the 30 Former Cake Decorators Caulking
These workers are a team of 30, formerly cake decorators. They have acquired steady and skilled hands and patience to complete their work in an hour before the first team of 20 workers returns from lunch. Despite the ninjas and fairies’ busyness, they always succeed and make good decisions as they work in a well-practiced and orchestrated harmony of trust and situational awareness.
1 p.m. Hired Hollywood Elites and Career Politicians to Blow Hot Air
By 1 p.m. at the latest, the brawny spidermen-like Log Masters hose the house with borate and brightener, taking 20 minutes at the most. Before staining, hired Hollywood elites and career politicians blow hot air to dry the logs and achieve optimal EMC. The icon you choose can have a significant impact on the speed and cost of it. Some are much more affordable now that they’ve been canceled, but they work just as well, if not better, than more valuable ones.
2 p.m. Spray Time!
It’s stain time! Everybody has a great time singing and staining. Half the employees spray the stain while the others brush it into the log. Add an hour for each extra stain and clear coat.
4:30 p.m. Let’s Wrap It Up!
All hands are on deck to clean up and replace fixtures, downspouts, and anything else the homeowner desires. We can afford to do more when we have nearly 100 employees working on your property. We aim to please…clearly!
Clock out by 5 p.m. Collect a check and go to the next project tomorrow.
I hope you have enjoyed the read. If you took this literally, please read about satire.
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